I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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