good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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