I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
