dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
