Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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