I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
