It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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