2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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