Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
