well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize