just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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