U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
