3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
