this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
