I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Randomize
