i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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