sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
