i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
