his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
