I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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