I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
