Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
