I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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