James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
