I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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