i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
