if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
