I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
