And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
