The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
