There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
