I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
