Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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