if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
