Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
