Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize