I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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