smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
