My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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