Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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