come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
