Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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