I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
