Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
