we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
