I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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