I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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