She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
