well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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