New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
someone owes me an orgasm
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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