u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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