period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
