he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
