finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I came so hard my ears popped.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize