You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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