I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it was like eating out sand paper
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
