her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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