When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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