kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
